Clint Barton is Not a Cat Person
by lezliesmith
Summary: Takes place during All (Drunken) Bets Off. Clint starts getting cat facts. He's really starting to hate living with the rest of the Avengers.


For Clint it started the day after Loki moved in. Clint was very opposed to the idea of the guy who had taken over his mind living in the same area as him, and had complained to everybody that he would put an arrow in Loki's eye the next chance he got, which had Thor giving Clint his best wounded puppy look.

Clint was hiding in the vents when Thor showed up with Loki in tow, and was surprised when Tony offered to let Loki into his workshop, it had taken Clint a month of trying before he was allowed anywhere near the workshop, let alone in it. As soon as Clint realized that Tony wouldn't kick Loki out he had quickly made his way through the vents to Natasha's floor.

Dropping to the ground beside her, Clint was welcomed with a swift elbow to the face followed by a knife pressed to his throat.

"Whoa, whoa! Calm down Tasha, it's just me!" he exclaimed, raising his hands in the universal sign of surrender.

"Would you stop falling out of the vents? You made me spill my tea again. That's the fourth time this week, Clint," Natasha glared at the archer while she removed the knife from his throat.

"Yeah, whatever. That's not why I'm here. Tony's letting Loki stay in the tower," Clint whined, flopping onto Natasha's couch.

Natasha moved to the other end of the couch and propped her feet in Clint's lap, raising her eyebrow at him until he started to rub her arches, "You know Tony's not going to pass up on an opportunity to study Loki's magic. He'll be like a five year old with a new toy. Besides, the guy hasn't hurt anyone since New York. We should give him a second chance, just like the rest of us were given second chances."

"But, Tasha. The guy messed with my head! You of all people know how that feels," Clint said, moving to rub Natasha's other foot.

"Yes, I do know how that feels, but he also had somebody messing with his head. You've noticed it, his eyes were green the first time he came here, blue when he tried to take over New York, and now green again. You know he was controlled," Natasha closed her eyes as Clint continued to rub her feet.

"I get that, I guess. But like you said, the first time he came here he caused a lot of destruction," Clint said.

"But he didn't try and take over the world. You know as well as I that what he did is nothing compared to the deaths I've caused, the weapons Tony's built, the death's you've caused, and the destruction the Hulk has caused," Natasha opened her eyes to look at Clint, "Would you have the rest of us locked away? Would you take away our decisions to do the right thing, the better thing? Think about it," with that Natasha stood and made to walk out of the room.

"Wait," Clint said, "I get what you're saying, but I still don't like or trust the guy," he continued when Natasha paused.

"You'd be stupid to trust him already. You're an Avenger and a SHIELD agent, your job is to not trust people blindly. Now, I'm going to spar," with that advice Natasha left the room.

Clint sighed and walked to the kitchen to grab some paper towels, deciding that he should probably clean up the spilled tea to stay on Natasha's good side. One that was done he made his way back to the common floor, deciding to try and rope Steve into playing MarioKart with him.

After beating Steve a dozen times in a row, Clint looked up from the game when he heard voices in the hall.

"You're wrong. Science is so much better than magic. It has rules," Tony was protesting loudly.

"Just because you are too dull to understand magic does not mean it does not have rules, Stark," A second voice answered. Clint stood quickly when he recognized the voice as Loki's.

"Come on Steve, let's go to the guy and spar, I think you deserve a break," Clint tried to tease Steve.

"Clint, you have to get used to him being here," Steve chastised.

"Whatever. Doesn't mean I have to listen to him being all buddy-buddy with Tony. Are you coming or not?" Clint said.

"Yeah. Might as well make sure you don't do anything too stupid," Steve stood and followed the archer out of the room, passing Tony and Loki as they headed to the bar on the other side of the room.

* * *

The next morning Clint work up to his phone chiming in his ear.

He groaned as he rolled over to reach for the still chiming device to see five unread messages.

**Did you know: A group of cats is called a "clowder" **read the first message on his phone. He quickly looked at the others, only to see more useless cat facts.

"What the hell?" Clint mumbled. "Why am I getting cat facts? JARVIS, connect me to Natasha,"

"Of course, Agent Barton," JARVIS answered.

"I swear to god, Clint, if you aren't dying I don't want to hear it," Natasha growled.

"Are you getting cat facts?" he asked before she could end the connection.

"What? No. You seriously called me at five in the morning to ask about cat facts?" Natasha asked.

"My phone went off, and I have five cat facts on it. I don't remember signing up for cat facts," he explained.

"Just ignore it, I'm going back to bed," Natasha told him before ending the connection.

"Well you're a lot of help," Clint grumbled, "Hey, JARVIS, can you tell me who this number belongs to?"

"I believe that number belongs to one Loki Odinson, Agent Barton. The number was activated at midnight," JARVIS answered.

"Is it a SI phone?" Clint asked.

"Yes, Agent Barton. Sir insists that anyone living in his tower must use a SI phone," JARVIS answered.

"Thanks, JARVIS," Clint said.

Before he could roll out of bed, his phone chimed again: **Did you know: most cats give birth to a litter of one and nine kittens. The largest known litter ever produced was 19 kittens.**

Clint tried texting the number back: **I know it's you, you little shit. Stop sending me cat facts!**

He growled when the only response was another cat fact: **Did you know: the little tufts of hair in a cat's ear that help keep out dirt, direct sounds into the ear, and insulate the ears are called "ear furnishings".**

Grumbling to himself about annoying gods Clint walked down to the shared kitchen, hoping that either Steve or Bruce was up and making breakfast. When he noticed the unmistakable smell of coffee he gravitated to the machine, getting his favourite mug – purple with black bulls-eyes – out of the cupboard and filling it to the brim with the steaming liquid.

"Morning, Clint. What are you doing up this early?" Steve asked from his spot by the stove.

"Stupid Tony gave stupid Loki a phone. Now he keeps sending me stupid cat facts," Clint ground out as he flopped into a chair at the table.

"Cat facts?" Steve asked.

"Yeah. It's stupid. A while ago there was a thing going around where people sent out random cat facts, apparently Loki found out about that and decided that I needed to know all about cats," Clint explained.

Before Steve could respond Clint's phone chimed at him again.

"See? 'Did you know: cats make about 100 different sounds. Dogs only make about ten.' I don't need to know this, Steve!" Clint whined.

"Is it true?" Steve asked.

"I don't know, and I don't care. I just want it to stop. How'd he get my number anyway?" Clint asked.

Steve looked at him with pity, "I'm sure Tony did. Or JARVIS, you know that he can give our numbers to anybody living in the top seven levels of the tower, which now includes Loki,"

Clint groaned and slouched onto the table, "Of course. Just kill me now," he complained.

The kitchen was silent for five minutes before Clint's phone went off again, causing Clint to groan loudly again.

"You going to get that?" Steve asked.

"Nope. It's another fact," Clint said, voice muffled by his arms.

"It could be Fury, or Coulson, or Natasha," Steve told him.

"Nope. Ever heard of personalized ringtones? Fury's is a pirate theme, Coulson gets spy music, and Tasha gets the itsy bitsy spider," Clint explained, still not moving.

Steve set a plate of eggs and hash browns in front of Clint, "And mine?" he asked.

Clint raised his head and grinned, "The national anthem," he announced proudly.

Steve just shook his head, used to how childish Clint could be.

Another five minutes passed while Clint and Steve enjoys their breakfast, until Clint's phone again broke the silence.

"Seriously!?" Clint yelled, "Another one?"

Steve watched as Clint picked up his phone from beside his plate and stormed out of the room, "What are you doing?" Steve yelled after him.

"Shooting this useless piece of crap. Then I'm getting a phone that's not a SI phone, just to annoy Tony," Clint called back before he reached the elevator.

* * *

After shooting his phone multiple times, both with a gun and using his bow, Clint ordered a phone from JARVIS. Once it was delivered and set up to his liking he went to share the news with Natasha.

"I figured out how to stop the cat facts," he told her.

"Hello. And how's that?" Natasha asked.

"Got a new phone," Clint said proudly, "And it's not SI, which should bug Tony. I already gave Fury and Coulson my number. You and Steve are the only other ones I'll give it to,"

Natasha sighed, "You know that the rest of us have SI phones, which Tony can hack. I'm sure he already has your new number,"

As if on cue Clint's new phone chimed. When he glanced at the screen he was horrified to see another cat fact.

"What the hell?!" he went to throw the phone but Natasha grabbed it before he could.

"Just put it on silent and ignore it. The more you react, the more Loki will send you," she told him.

"Fine," Clint agreed, "But this better stop soon,"

Natasha smiled slightly when Clint left the room, only to laugh as he swore loudly in the hallway when his phone went off again. She was looking forward to seeing the other pranks, as long as she was left out of them.


End file.
